Are you mad?
I think after today, yes I am! Yet it has nothing to do with the location!
We are in Cochin, Kerala, India. We arrived today. I am not sure how to feel to be completely honest! Matt was visiting for a week and left last night to return to Australia. We also left a host family, whom we stayed with on and off, for 2.5 months. There were LOTS of tears and tantrums. And that was just from ME!
I hope I can learn to love Kerala but I feel my children are actually telling me, after today, in no uncertain terms, they are done moving around. That we HAVE to get a base! Then we travel to and from places for shorter periods. They are craving stability and familiar faces. I thought travelling would just give them resilience but I fear I am giving them separation anxiety! Plus, I need support. My 10-minute panic attack after we left Tangalle yesterday was a testament to that! I haven’t had one for years. I had support in Tangalle and I did not want to leave. I had to.
On paper how cool does it sound “kids travel Asia for gap year”. Well, my kids – we need something more than just floating through Asia. I thought it would be okay and, I think it would be if Matt was with us. But he isn’t and it isn’t.
He is just crying. He cries when we talk about his dad and when we left Tangalle he looked utterly devastated. It makes me want to cry. And, cry I did. For 2 days straight.
The toddler is acting out and biting me. He is taking the name of this blog very much literally. He has cried for his dad many times today. I am covered in bites from his frustration. He is missing his “grandfather Sarath” telling me all about coconuts. It was their thing. They got the “baby coconuts”, the “good coconut. Not bad coconut”, they “bopped them down”, they “cut good baby coconut open” and got “the water and drink it!”. He didn’t really understand we were leaving the family. Last night though, he knew Matt was leaving saying, “daddy go airport, go home” and then made the saddest face.
He is so confused. Poor kid. He sees any man and says “dada?”. He radiates towards them and I know it is because he wants the familiarity of a male figure. Like the toddler, he loved Mr Sarath, and his wife Kusum and the nanny Dayani. He learned so many words with them. Monkey, cow, oww, miner, bird, dog, cat, hello, bye and others I am sure I am forgetting. He learned to dance and “call” on the phone. He is not my baby anymore. He is a real toddler and making his feelings felt. Again, by biting ME!
I don’t know what I will do yet. I am pretty lost and I am lonely. I have met new people here at the guesthouse in Cochin but I do not feel I have support like I did in Tangalle. There are a million mosquitos and although the house is beautiful, it is the rainy season here. And boy is it raining! I just feel like I really stuffed up.